You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
