I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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