he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
