She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
