Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
