I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
