Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
