my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
