I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
