He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
