i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
