Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
