Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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