I got chris browned last night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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