Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
