i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
