How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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