I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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