I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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