We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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