I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
