I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
