planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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