You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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