they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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