guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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