Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Randomize
