Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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