Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm like, not good at living.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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