Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
