someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
