He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
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