I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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