i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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