So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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