It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
