I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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