The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
