Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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