Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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