You just made me feel so damn special
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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