This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
