You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
