I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
