This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
