Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
