omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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