i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
