Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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