Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
